The Germaine Truth: 2006-03-26

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    The Germaine Truth — Sunday, 28 March 2006

    Index:

    • Bones Found in Wilbur County
    • Charges Dropped Against Zachary Sweet
    • Wildman Spotted
    • Letters to the Editor
    • Madam Zorro

    Bones Found in Wilbur County

    by Howard Applegate

    The Truth learned this afternoon that human bones have been found in rural Wilbur County.

    In a dramatic display, a disgruntled Harlan McCoy literally deposited a bag of bones in Sheriff Tony Sweet’s lap. At the time, the Sheriff was being interviewed for Radio Germaine for a Martin Luther King Day broadcast about the problem of hate crimes in Central Oregon.

    According to stunned radio host, Patty Jo Mac, McCoy burst into the usually quiet Germaine Cafe carrying a gunny sack which he dropped on the table in front of Sweet.

    “He was real huffy,” said Mac, “He mumbled “˜I think these might have fallen out of your closet, Sheriff,’ and stomped out. I’ve never seen the Sheriff so furious.”

    Mac said some of the bones tumbled out into the Sheriff’s lap. Sweet then gathered up the remains and left.

    “Didn’t even say a word,” said Tsalagi Red, Mac’s co-host, “needless to say, that was the end of the interview.”

    Sheriff Sweet refused to return calls from The Germaine Truth. Deputy Shawn Hinterteil said the bones would be examined, probably at the forensics lab in Bend. McCoy will also be questioned about the circumstances in which the bones were found.

    “We’re also looking at possible charges against Harlan McCoy,” Hinterteil said. “These remains seem to be fairly recent, and it’s a serious offense to disrupt a possible crime scene.”

    By recent, Hinterteil said he meant within the past fifty or sixty years.

    The deputy refused to elaborate further, only saying that Sheriff Sweet would hold a press conference within a week.

    Efforts to contact Harlan McCoy were unsuccessful.

    Charges dropped against Zachary Sweet

    Sweet Charges Dropped

    The Lake County district attorney announced today that drug charges against Germaine resident Zachary Sweet have been dropped.

    Sweet was arrested by Lakeview police last summer on accusations of burglary and theft.

    Sweet was released on bail on condition that he be under strict supervision by his father, Wilbur County Sheriff, Tony Sweet. 

    The case has been winding its way through the Lake County justice system for the past several months, but was dismissed when key witnesses “disappeared”, according to assistant Lake County D.A. Elizabeth Hellman.

    Wildman Spotted

    The almost mythical Wildman of the Ochocos was reportedly spotted near North Plains Junction by two young women from the Double-T Ranch, according to Deputy Sheriff Shawn Hinterteil. 

    Hinterteil said the girls called him to the scene, about a half mile from the Double T, on North Plains Road with a cellphone. 

    “On the phone they sounded kind of frightened,” said Hinterteil, but when he arrived the girls were in a good mood.

    “They claimed they saw a disheveled man run from the road up into the hills.” According to Hinterteil, the man did not actually threaten the girls.

    “They treated it kind of like a joke.” said the deputy. He then lectured them about wasting the departments time.

    According to Double T owners, Cedar Ring and Estrella Luna, the girls were not supposed to be off of the premises and would be locked down for a week. 

    “We have to be tough,” said Ms. Luna, “or these girls will walk all over you.”

    The Double T is a facility for troubled girls, many from Portland and other cities in the northwest.

    Recent Letters from our Readers

    A sleeping bag for the Wildman
    Dear Editor,
    I saw in Thelma McCoy’s column that someone has seen that poor wild man again. Folks, the weather has been bitter cold as we all know. I can’t help but think about that poor man and how he is faring in the woods. Now I know he has been in the woods for a long time and must have made shelter or found some kind of cave to live in. Maybe he is okay, but the Christmas season just past should remind us that we are our brother’s keeper and whoever this wildman is, he is our brother. I just want him know, if he reads the paper, that there is a warm sleeping bag out behind The Little Shop of the Grotto. It’s in a good strong garbage bag to keep it dry.
    Happy New Year, Germaine.  — Patricia La Plante

    Wildman or Bogeyman?
    Dear Howard/Editor
    What part of myth don’t you people understand? There is no “Wildman of the Ochocos” like the bogeyman of the Black Forest, he is an invention to keep children from wandering too far into the woods or anywhere else without adult supervision. Watch out, the Wildman will get you!  — Jane Arnold

    Tigers or Bears?
    Dear Mr Editor,
    In India we have similar story. In the village where my family comes from the children are warned about the tiger. There really are tigers and sometimes children are eaten by them. Perhaps the Wildman is a bear. Maybe the men of this county should form a band of hunters. I would go with such a group into the forest to hunt this bear. — Roy Patel

    Dangerous Criminal?
    Dear Editor,
    This is the second sighting in just two months of this crazy man. He’s becoming dangerous and must be stopped before he hurts someone. I say we get up a posse and comb the forest. We’ll find him if we have enough men willing to spend a Saturday looking. What do you say Sheriff Sweet? Isn’t it time we brought this freeloading outlaw to justice?  — Buck Rawlins

    Decom… What?
    Dear Editor,
    I am not a psychiatrist, but I have studied psychiatric cases and I would have to say that this Wildman is decompensating. In other words, the recent sightings indicate that a change in his mental stability has taken place and he may be in danger of hurting himself. I hesitate to say that he is a danger to others. As modern people, we should be more concerned about his well-being than that he is living outside of our narrow definition of society.
    Cherie Renoir

    Madam Zorro   The Stars Over Germaine for April

    In general, the stars over Germaine are scintillating.

    Aries (March 21-April 20)

    You will become obsessed with a person of the opposite gender or the same gender depending on your orientation. You will take huge risks, clean your house for the first time in months and delude yourself into thinking you are a person of exceptional integrity so that you believe yourself to be worthy of this new-found object of desire.

     

    Taurus (April 20-May 20)

    You will wake up on February third with an urge to get out of town. don’t be surprised if you make an impromptu trip to Caldwell or Provo. From there you’ll think that Bryce Canyon and Sedona are not too far to go. Don’t worry you’ll be back and we’ll be waiting to hear all your fabulous stories. No slides this time, okay? See you in March.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20)

    Everyone has been cautiously pleased about your self-control over the past year vis-a-vis your mouth. You’ll be coming out of that in February. Might consider holding a salon or two, maybe get yourself a show on Radio Germaine. However, this will only be successful if you can curb your penchant for butting into everybody’s business.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22)

    Suddenly, the dysfunction that hs been simmering at the heart of all your relationships is going to boil over. That someone whom you have been admiring is going to come on to you like gangbusters, shower you with flowers ad compliments—whoa, slow down—this person wil make fatal attraction look like a walk in the woods. Get your rabbits out town if you care for them at all.

    Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

    God you’re desperate and discriminating bordering on the ridiculous. This is not a positive attribute. Fortunately you will develop the ability to actually become fond of someone other than yourself. This is a step toward commitment. Baby steps.

    Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

    God you’re desperate and discriminating bordering on the ridiculous. This is not a positive attribute. Fortunately you will develop the ability to actually become fond of someone other than yourself. This is a step toward commitment. Baby steps.

    Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

    The false sense of security that surrounded your home life at the start of January will fall away like the veils of Salome until everyone’s ugly thoughts stand exposed. Well, you can’t say you are surprised you always knew they were cunning, self-serving, petulant prigs. Still, they are family so embrace them and move on.

    Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

    How was that January? Pretty hot, huh? And now, in February everyone is ready to pay attention to everything you say. The only caution is take a deep breath before you speak or your adoring audience will treat you like Jane Fonda at an American Legion cook-out.

    Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

    Always the one to grow and change, now that the diet of 2005 has turned you into a svelte kitten, you will urn to your finances and put our accounts in such good order that your banker will become suspicious. Don’t be surprised if the police show up at your door to make sure you aren’t being held captive.

    Capricorn (Dec.22-Jan. 19)

    Look at you. Just look at you. Didn’t I tell you that if you gave people some space they’d be all over you like spam in your email? Keep acting like a reasonable person and you might get that part in Mephistopheles you’ve been coveting ever since you first saw The Tragical History of Dr Faustus by Christopher Marlowe on the bookshelf in your uncle Ted’s secret basement room where you were forbidden to go.

    Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

    Your friends and family were amazed last year when you appeared to turn over a new leaf where your bank account was concerned. They praised you in the best way they knew how. But little did they know that you were just too depressed to open your wallet and that day when your mother-in-law was so proud of you for walking right by that little red dress in the window of Meier & Frank on that trip to Portland you all took last August–that apparent act of supreme self-control was actually the result of you finding it necessary to concentrate on the cracks in the concrete sidewalk so you wouldn’t burst into tears. Well, here is reason to celebrate, you’ve finally got more than a hundred bucks in the credit union. Just in time too, because March isn’t looking too good.

    Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

    You’ve always believed you were a liar and that accounts for how scrupulously honest you always are. Your best friend is going to take this integrity trait of yours as a sign that she can bare her soul to you. What an idiot.

     If Your Birthday Is in April:

    This will be a watershed year for you. One day around the 10th, on your drive home from your janitorial job at St Charles Hospital in Bend, as the sun is first streaking the sky over highway 20, you will realize that you want to work out of doors. You will apply for a job with the Forest Service and will spend the rest of the year tramping around the forest gathering soil samples and watching tree bark grow. Unfortunately, your assignment will be in the Winema National Forest and your commute will be even longer.

    Disclaimer: This horoscope is presented for entertainment purposes only. The Germaine Truth does not endorse any particular system of divination.